I'm trying to learn French. It sounds cool, I know a bunch of words already, a fair number of people in Switzerland speak it, and I've always wished I had a language to accessorize better with my inflated ego. I'm currently taking the self-taught route, so I expect to be proficient enough to hold a 10 minute conversation with a French person in Zurich in 2 months. (I won't yet commit to which language we'll speak in.)

In the meantime, I decided to write a short script that can Frenchify my English to help keep me motivated while learning. Check it out here.

In under a week, I'm moving to Zurich. Zurich is a city in Switzerland, which is a country in Europe. Those are the answers to the common questions I've gotten regarding my relocation plans. No, I'm not kidding.

Here are a few more answers to common questions:

• I'm still going to be working at Google in my same position, and with the same team. Six (though soon to be five) of my most intelligent and devious team members, plus a handful of other security engineers, work in the Zurich office, so I will be in excellent company.
• I don't speak German. Though standard German is taught in schools, in Zurich, they actually speak Zurich German, which is a dialect of Swiss German. Swiss German has its own pronunciation, many different words, its own grammar, and many native Germans have difficulty understanding it. Given that it's not a written language and only spoken in Switzerland, putting a lot of effort into learning it doesn't make a lot of economic sense. I do want to learn another language, so I'm trying to learn French, which is also a native language, spoken in many more places, and well, sounds prettier (more on this later). Luckily, English is spoken by many, so I should be fine regardless.
• I still have lots of boring and important things to figure out, like finding an apartment and getting a phone, but I'll do it when I get out there.
• The official plan is to return after a year, which is how long my work assignment lasts. A lot can happen in a year though, so anything is possible :)

And now, back to downsizing my worldly possessions and canceling utilities...

On a January morning in 2008...

11:12 AM
Me: wtf twitter?
stop with the social networking.

11:26 AM
Steve: haha
why?!
it's so much fun



Well over a year later...

http://twitter.com/laparisa

I made some glass marble travel magnets. This is a really, really simple craft that can yield some fun results and serve as a gift or replacement to the free car insurance or portrait of your uncle Ted's family magnet that currently adorns your refrigerator door. You can use any small picture as a background (magazine clippings, photos, decorative paper) and then just trace out a circle, glue it to the back of a flat glass marble, attach a magnet, and you're done! The hardest step in the process for me was finding the larger sized clear glass marbles, but if you can't find them in a craft store, you can buy them online. I chose to print out Google Maps locations from some cities I've traveled to recently.

More specific directions if you want to duplicate here.

I just watched 1408, yet another movie adaptation from a Stephen King horror story. Sigh... why do I keep falling for Stephen King movie adaptations. I should know better by now!

When asked what my least favorite movie is, of all time, the first that comes to mind is It (technically a made for TV movie). I should have stopped after an early scene where It pulled a little kid into the sewer (admittedly creepy) because after that, it just turned into THREE hours of long, drawn out nonsense. Three hours of my life I'll never get back. Pet Semetary was actually not bad as a dark comedy, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't its intended genre; props for zombie cats though! And then there was Dreamcatcher. All I can really remember was that it was horrible and I assume my subconscious blocked out all of the details for self-protection.

Given how low my expectations were, it's amazing that I was still disappointed by 1408. It had John Cusack and Samuel Jackson, so I figured it must be decent, but no, 100% Grade A crap. If someone has a personal suggestion they think will change my opinion, I'd love to hear it. Until then, I'm done with Stephen King horror*.

On the other hand, if you're looking for some good slasher horror that I can recommend, check out these short videos of my knee surgery [1, 2, 3]. Mmm... flowy blood and tissue.

* Ok, Carrie wasn't horrible, but that was before I was even born. Also, I just noticed that The Green Mile was adapted from a Stephen King book, and I thought that was very good, but it's not horror, so my position stands.

A place where I will describe the food I make and eat and think you might enjoy too.

"When the first man looked upon the first woman and was satisfied with her, that was when love began."

After reading the first sentence of How to Make Love by Hugh Morris (Copyright 1936), I knew I had, in my humble possession, the answers to one of life's most complicated and challenging mysteries. First, I should thank Leo, with much heartfelt gratitude, for sending me this modern look at love and how to attain it. The enlightening 32 page pamphlet has directly challenged some of the fallacies I have been blindly subscribing to for years. Not that I needed one, but here is yet another example of how feminist influences have poisoned my mind and led me astray from a truer and happier life. Thankfully, after studying HtML from cover to cover, I am now reformed and ready (to wait) for a perfect suitor to find me.

I've tried to paraphrase some the gems in my new bible for those not lucky enough to have a bedside copy, but I encourage you to also read the original (linked) text. My points are a horrible injustice to Morris's original words:

• Basic foundation of love. There is only one kind of love and that's between a man and a woman. God made it this way and God doesn't mess up.
• Women must be passive. The man is strong and was made this way. The woman is weak and was also made this way (cost cutting?). The man chases and the woman is meant to be chased. The success of love depends on this relationship and if the roles switch, it's ludicrous.
• The first kiss. If she flinches, don't worry. If she flinches and makes an outcry, don't worry. If she flinches, makes an outcry and tries to get up from the sofa, don't worry. However, if she flinches, makes an outcry, a loud stentorian outcry ... and starts to scratch your face, then start to worry ... Such girls are not to be trifled with ... or kissed.
• Intimacy in public places. Finger sex is fine, but don't get carried away at the theatre.