Cancer Oracle

Cancer, in its many flavors, is responsible for about 13% of all human deaths and is projected to be the leading cause of death worldwide by the year 2010. The National Cancer Institute spends over 4 billion annually on cancer research, and we still don't have a definitive source for the cause of cancer. Until now...

The CancerOracle processes billions of historical and current documents on cancer, including leading medical research from academia, reports from major news sources, and personal accounts of diagnosed and recovered victims. The oracle quantifies these records into a binary causal result. With the proliferation of so much conflicting evidence, having an oracle that definitively identifies what causes and prevents cancer is crucial to leading a more aware and healthy life.

To use, simply query the oracle with a potential carcinogen (fruit, vegetable, element, hobby, pop star, etc.) and the oracle will report whether or not it promotes the onset or propagation of cancer. Never again will you get caught in a debate over whether red wine causes cancer or chocolate prevents it. (Chocolate does prevent cancer, by the way; at least today it does, and I have no reason to ever bother checking again.)

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Disclaimer: Cancer isn't something I easily joke about. Like so many others, I have both friends and family in treatment and hope that we continuallly learn more about how to treat and prevent this horrible disease. Inappropriate humor is just my coping mechanism for the great blows of the universe.